a hopeful pondering

Does it accumulate? One pile on top of the other like debts to pay?

In a moment I am taken back as if I’ve drifted into a dream, vivid and tangible and I can feel what I felt, hear what I said, and I try to bear the weight of it all, together as one.

My features contort and suddenly I feel my feet contacting the concrete as I run. The green grass in front, the dim early-morning traffic noise and I am back to this reality. Able to shake it off and think about now. But before losing Dad it wasn’t so easy to remember the pain. Now it’s too easy. It doesn’t seem fair. To be in present pain and so able to feel the pain of the past.

When I think of them both I think of the depth of feeling, a vast array arresting my heart and mind, against the backdrop of the ordinary. It’s so strange. The moment my world shatters and then…

A walk around the block… the drive home…

She’s just finishing her shift. He has just used the toilet. She’s visiting her sister and new niece. He’s having a cigarette. The waves are still coming in, and going out. They are playing in the park. She’s planning her tomorrow’s. 

If new pain arrives will I then feel three at once?

Here I am: hearing the waves, seeing the horizon and feeling the deep joy one feels in a place of beauty, but feeling it like never before.

I think of their faces, round and smiling, their soft skin and amusing traits and my heart is full and smile wide.

I think of him. How much he would give to see me smile and how he makes me feels perfectly adored when I feel utterly unworthy.

I think of that presence that’s always there. A constant love and help that wants just my heart in return. More real than I’ve ever known. The trying to be something and trying to do things feeling less and less significant, giving me wings.

Perhaps the pains of life accumulate making each one harder to bear…

But, perhaps, so do the joys making each one more deeply felt and each laughter line truer than the last.

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