‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.’ C. S. Lewis
I want to write about this week… But I don’t know where to start and it feels so extreme that I attempt writing only to find I can’t be bothered. To think. To write. To face it all. Again.
I shall be concise… I had an experience last week which hit me where it hurt, poked at my personal fears and triggered some crippling anxiety. A difficult week of overwhelming feelings. I came to realise that losing a figure of security, but not only that, someone who helped me process my fears, caused me to have a big emotional response to something that scared me.
Grief is such a multi-faceted beast. As Lewis says, the loss is like the sky, ‘spread over everything’. But yet, new experiences of life bring something new….a new depth of pain, post-traumatic stress, fear, shock, disbelief. Then the fear deceives you into believing that you should be afraid, it won’t change, it’s the situation not the grief.
It was my birthday this week. My anxiety hit its peak on that day and I felt terrible. Yet, I felt blessed and loved by those around me and had a really good day at face value.
But nothing could fill the void.
The longing I feel to see my Dad again causes my chest to ache and a tidal wave of sadness to hit me. I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s too much to bear.
Psalm 91 has carried me through this week…
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.